Tues, Feb 13th, 2024
I don't know how to do this, to be honest I'm not doing this for the internet. I'm doing it because my therapist told me to. I like to be very silly on the internet but also i run from my depresion a lot. I wonder if I can just make this privated. I run from my depression a lot, so much so that i'm putting my feelings down in html code lol. I don't know of anyone else who does this but I'm sure you exist. but this is n't about you it's about me and I honestly think all my friends have it worse than i do I know i'm like a loser but I'm content with that? I don't really have and reason to not be. I am upset with myself at times but i actually make strides to be better. I clean my room at times it's just not enough, I take showers they just aren't full. I am very smart and i am proud of myself but that comes with knowledge that i wish i didn't have. like i just always have the option to ruin all my relationships. I know my friends vulnerabilities and if i ever suffered a mental break down i wouldn't have help because i would perposfully exploit that knowledge to make sure that my delusions of persecution and paranoia are justified. and i do, i am selfish and i am hurtful and my regret for it is not felt in a healthy way. I am stable but my stability is built on quaking land. because i am not even sure in what i say now, I am not sure that it is truth. One night and one more time, thnks fr th mmrs.
Today I discovered that Macbeth and Breaking bad have very similiar story lines. and I listened to country music on my way to school. I like macbeth but non ap classes are so boring.
I also have AP Euro which would be exciting if we did anything other than note taking. I love my teacher as a person but she is not a good teacher anymore and she should retire.
Lunch was ok but I'm literally sitting next to my ex and my boyfriend which sux. I wish that she would actually acknowledge me because like we sit together and she kinda wants to be friends but she's always on her phone; i don't make it any easier too.
Thurs, Feb 15th, 2024
People like having me around, I'm starting to worry it's me that doesn't want to be around. Everything is so tiring, The slide is so compelling. If I am truly all the iterations of myself past and present then isn't it true taht all the love I had for all those people was real and is still real?. I rarely take my meds, If i was a worse person I'd be like Ricky, Ricky is a girl from my school who is dating one of my friends, she is an asshole. I'm not sure tat i'm not her. Couldn't I be, I barely know who I am the disocciation is hard core. that s fucking retarded. the dick cum fucking kill yourself you stupid whore. it hurts. you hurt me. and you'rfe too much of a fat pussy to fuck off cunt. i could be ricky though and I would never know since i barely know myeslf. others seem to know me so well. maybe they could pilot the gorey profane form. Its honestly surprising that I have skin still. how i made it this far without slicing myself is a mystery to myself. I could be anyone but me. i wouldn't even know because I have no stake in this body. sure when it dies i will too but that's a biological death. the mental gist i'm getting at is that i could do anything to this form this golemic theng because it is unimportant to me. it is a husk of the person I am not there was a promising young man that came up in this body. there's a failing young woman in it now. and that's a truth i have a hard time coming to terms with. this is the reality now in which i am "content" being a man which is to say I could die at any point and I wouldn't mind it. and everyone else would. I wish i cared about my life. it feels like the man would . but he's not here any more and i don't think he's ever coming back. because he never left. she's still hereshe's me if i want to claim her or not. I have a self . it would be simpler to be dead. I know you can hospitalize me for these things but i think you shouldn't because you know how spiteful I am, and I have up and down days. this is just a down day. however if i was hospitalized i would regress to attempting suicide for attention specifically to get the attention of you because i don't know how to express myself healthily without feeling like someones gonna fuckign rape me for it.